ambergris: (Default)
And today she was suicidal because that guy who decided not to pursue a relationship with her three years ago defriended her on facebook?

What sucks is that she knows this is an extreme overreaction, so she beats herself up for being abnormal, so she feels worse. So I have to walk this tightrope between saying 'it's OK to be sad, don't hate yourself' and validating her own sense that the sadness is disproportionate, because, well, it is.

I try to be kind. I work really hard on being kind, because I generally wish people would be kinder to me. But it is also exhausting having to focus on other people all the time, and it doesn't take long before I get resentful. It is hard having to listen to someone weep about what a freak they are for having no friends, when you have been living without friends for several years longer than they have, and you are still learning how not to hate yourself or blame yourself for it. It is hard when you are living with someone whose moods are entirely determined by the random shit they see on facebook, and you do not have any control over whether today is going to be spent drying their tears or trying to sort out your own life. My therapist said I needed to define better boundaries for myself, but how are you meant to detach from a needy person without unleashing their terror of abandonment and making them cling to you even more?
ambergris: (Default)
I am dreading Christmas and this fact is making me sad. I loved Christmas when I had a family, but now I don't have a family, not really. My mother ran off with an aspie guy who doesn't have anything to do with her children, which is fair enough really because it's not like I want to have anything to do with him either. And now my dad is shacking up with this control-freak domestic goddess who is completely obsessed with what size beds my sister and I are going to have in our new flat. I think she thinks it would be wasteful for an asexual to sleep in anything larger than a single, but, hello, I'm bigger than I was when I was ten, so why shouldn't I upgrade to a wider bed?

(I'm not out to her, exactly, but then I'm one of those people who doesn't really need to come out, like an obviously camp gay man or an unignorably butch lesbian. I'm always a little puzzled when aces complain about invisibility because I don't think I have ever succeeded in passing as sexual. I never get asked out, and I never get asked whether I have a partner. The rest of the world figured out I was asexual long before I did, even if they lacked the terminology to describe it. Please don't ask me how, because I have no idea.)

So basically I am now expected to spend Christmas with a bunch of random strangers (her siblings, their children, their grandchildren, plus various waifs and strays she's picked up along the way) and I won't get to see my mother, or my nan, or my uncles, or my cousins, and this is making me sad.

I'll never get married or have my own children. That was the only family I will ever have, and now I don't have it any more. And yeah, I know that the nuclear family is this horrible destructive patriarchal construct which goes wrong far, far more often than it goes right, and that contrary to popular belief not all humans are social creatures, and that Christmas is an ordeal for most people once they are past the age of twelve... but I am still sad. I am still sad that life stole Christmas from me, the way it stole pretty much everything else that was good and glittery. I don't know why the world couldn't just leave me one thing that was OK in the unrelenting sea of uneventful shit that passes for my life. Apparently that's too much to ask. Just like everything else.
ambergris: (Default)
So I bookmarked this AVEN thread, because it echoed some of what I was thinking.

Basically this. If you're going to be an advocate for asexual visibility, you are going to be more helpful if you are a sane, healthy, happy, productive, fully-functioning member of society. If you don't give anyone the getout clause that you're broken.

The trouble with this is that most people, regardless of orientation, are damaged in some way. We live in a broken world. Dysfunctional societies produce dysfunctional individuals more often than not.

And me? I'm nobody's postergirl. I can't even say for sure whether I qualify as asexual. It could just be a symptom of my AvPD; if social contact is too much for you to handle, sexual contact is going to be even further down the agenda. It could be the depression. It could be the meds. It could be that I want a positive label just so I don't have to be broken; the same way I deconstructed virginity out of existence, so I wouldn't have to be one.

Or. I could simply say: this is where I am, now. This is how I feel, now. It wasn't how I felt in the past, and it may not be how I feel in the future, but that does not negate how I feel now.

And it doesn't matter exactly how or why I got here. I'm still here.


Mar. 18th, 2010 04:56 pm
ambergris: (Default)
I explain about spectra. I explain how, just as you have your basic straight/gay continuum with the bis in the middle, so you're also going to have a scale of intensity, with the asexuals at one end and the highly sexed at the other.

She gets that. But she still says maybe I just haven't met the right person yet.

I explain that the number of 'right people' is related to where you are on the scale. Up at the top there are hundreds, thousands even, at the bottom there's none. While I'm not at the zero point, it's extremely unlikely that I will encounter another 'right person', even if I wanted to.

And I don't.

But she still says I shouldn't write myself off.

My family are always telling me not to write myself off. I don't understand how admitting that I'm unemployable, or saying that I can't imagine ever not being single, constitutes 'writing myself off'. Don't I have an intrinsic worth independent of any that might be assigned to me by potential bosses and partners? Does it really make me a lesser person if I can't get validation from others? Isn't it more empowering to try and get by without it?

I can't remember a time when my reality wasn't being denied by those around me. Don't be silly, of course you have friends. Shut up, you're not fat. You're not suicidal, you're just lazy. Maybe you just haven't met the right person yet.

I know they only do it because they find these truths too painful; but when you refuse to accept what somebody is, you're telling them that what they are is unacceptable.

It doesn't help.


Feb. 28th, 2010 07:22 pm
ambergris: (Default)
I don't know why some people think shouting at a depressed person is an appropriate way of dealing with an admittedly exasperating situation. Seriously, what do they think will happen? Depressed person will leap to their feet declaring 'yes! you're absolutely right! I am a lazy good-for-nothing, but now you have been so good as to alert me to the fact, I am going to stop! I am now going to get dressed in my smartest clothes and reward you with a cup of tea before going outside and magicking up a fabulous life for myself!'

It seems to me far more likely that depressed person will merely snivel a bit.

Some people are so miserable and powerless in their own little lives that making other people suffer is the only source of joy they have. I learned this at school.

I am perpetually afraid of becoming one of them.


ambergris: (Default)

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